Thursday, January 26, 2017

The New Girls

So we got chickens.


My ass is turning so country.  After months and months of wearing Derek down and begging him to please for the love of GOD with two boys and three boy dogs let me have some girls up in this household, he relented.  He even offered to build the coop, but we instead bought one of those smaller pre-made ones off Amazon.  We set it all up and I answered a craigslist ad from a woman selling young Buff Orpingtons that had just begun laying. 

Our flock consists of Fluffy (named by the boys); Chrissy (of Three’s Company fame, the dimmest bulb of the bunch); and Jasmine (who, on her first day here was chased across the entire length of the backyard by our dog Sammy and wedged herself halfway up the interior of our jasmine bush and stayed there, wedged inside the vines).

I’m not really a bird person.  I love my bird feeder and watching the little birdies in my yard take a bath in the bird bath and all.  I love the pair of doves who are always hanging around.  But it wasn’t until I got the chickens home that I realized I was a little scared of them and they were way more scared of me.  Their body language and ways and sounds are foreign to me.  Give me a scared, anxious, untrained pit bull and I know exactly what to do.  But these feathery, pecky, skittish things?  Clueless.  It has been a gradual process of getting to know one another.  But here is what I’ve picked up so far.

1.  Chickens Can Be Bitches, Man. The pecking order of these three has been established already, and it consists of Jasmine at the top and all others beneath her. This, in spite of the fact that she was traumatized on her first day by a scary dog and is the smallest of the three. Here's Jasmine, and she's a Total Bitch:


She gets first dibs on all the food, and if one of the others gets too close while she eats, or dares to eat something she thinks looks good, she will peck them. Hard! On the head! This morning I watched her chase Fluffy up to the roost and back to the run over and over for several minutes before Fluffy finally lay down in front of Jasmine while Jasmine pecked her mercilessly on the head about twenty times. It was like a beat-down. A chicken beat-down. I thought about intervening, worrying that she might peck out poor Fluffy’s eyes or something, but eventually she stopped, let Fluffy back up and Jasmine strutted away, as if to say “That’s right, bitch. You know what you did. You better watch yourself.” And that was that.

2.  They Are Feathery Garbage Disposals. I already knew about the kitchen scraps and it’s true, they eat all those little ends and bits and leftovers and produce about to spoil, etc. But I didn’t know what absolute whores they would be for weeds until I pulled a bunch of dandelions that had sprouted up after all the rain. I dumped a big armful of tall, scraggly monster-weeds into the run and it was like Christmas. They went crazy. By the time I came out two hours later, all the weeds were gone without a trace. I was astounded. How can any creature find weeds to be that delicious? Finally, a good use for weeds!

3.  Their Eggs Kick ASS Over Anything I've Ever Bought At the Store. Actually I already knew this from buying eggs from the farmers’ market guy. And though it’s winter when they're not supposed to lay, there have been a few eggs a week, and two in one day yesterday.



And now I actually get to control everything that’s going into those eggs. It’s a great feeling. Because, you know, you are what you eat, ate. The shells are hard and sturdy. The yolks are neon orange. The taste is sublime. I don’t think I can go back to store-bought eggs ever again.

4.  They Are Addictive. I’m already making plans to get some chicks in the spring so I can raise them myself. I want them to be more tame and comfortable around people, and these girls were raised out in the middle of nowhere and were apparently chased by people. They’ve had to get used to the sounds of kids, cars, sirens, airplanes overhead, the train a few blocks down, the noise of the guy re-doing his driveway next door, etc. They were not held by human hands and nurtured as babies, and I want to have that experience and share it with the kids. It’s taking a lot of patience, getting these girls to understand that I am their friend, but they are slowly coming around. I think they know on some level that I love them. I talk to them like they’re babies. I give them grapes. I sing to them a song I used to sing to my pug Babe when she was little, and it’s kind of perfect for them. “Girl… you’ll be a woman soon….”




Wednesday, November 09, 2016

The Dark, Dark Day Hillary Lost

I woke up to the news and thought for sure I must still be asleep and having a nightmare, though I did toss and itch quite a bit last night, a sense of dread sabotaging my sleep. 

I want to cry but the tears won’t come.  They are locked up in my throat somewhere, too horrified and confused to come out.

I feel so disappointed.  So disheartened by my own countrymen, but especially by my countryWOMEN who voted for this person who so clearly has such contempt for our very gender unless we are worthy of him to grab us by the pussy.  Not to say that as a woman, you elect a woman just because she has a vagina, that is so NOT the point.  But you certainly don’t instead choose a man who believes you are a second-class citizen, along with people of color, gays and lesbians, transgenders, Muslims, basically anyone who is not a white Protestant male.  But women, we are supposed to be looking out for each other, especially since it is usually the white Protestant male that ends up screwing us.  What the hell happened?

I’m so disappointed with the people who claim to love Jesus that voted for this man.  Jesus loved everybody regardless of their background or religion or race and commanded us to do the same.  Jesus did not advocate violence against his enemies or “building a wall” or making the rich richer while those without privilege and opportunity remain oppressed and hungry.  Jesus taught us, above all else, to love.  I see and feel and hear nothing but vile, pompous hatred coming off that man.

And while Hillary also is flawed and made some not-so-great decisions (let he who has not done the same cast the first stone; she is human, after all) – at least she had some qualifications.  At least she has actually BEEN in the trenches and had some experience and has a working, thinking brain.  If this had been a regular job interview, and not what amounted to a sick, fear-mongering high school popularity contest, the choice would have been laughably clear.  But apparently that’s not the country we live in anymore.  People actually think a reality show ass-clown can lead us.


I want to crawl back into bed and not come out.  I don’t see any positives in this, and that is not like me.  It’s hard to have hope, but somehow we must.  Everyone thought he would hang himself during the campaign; perhaps he’ll do it while in office.  Especially if there is a worthy intern with a vagina within his reach.  

They impeach presidents for that, don’t they?

Monday, July 11, 2016

Sad Mama

I can’t shake the sadness today.  It feels like the world has gone crazy.

There is a line George Clooney says toward the beginning of the movie The Descendants.  Something about how just because they live in their Hawaiian paradise doesn’t make them immune to tragedy.  There is still cancer, bad things still happen.  That’s how I feel about living in the Happiest City in America today.  We are not immune here. 

A week ago, my Trader Joe’s was robbed at gunpoint.  This spineless asshole might as well have held a gun to my best friend and demanded money.  I shop there every week.  I actually enjoy the process of procuring nourishment for my family there because it is such a positive place.  If I walk in feeling a little tired or blue, I always walk out with a smile and a better outlook on my day.  Even if I've never met the cashier before, he or she is like a buddy.  I feel safe there.

And some shithead came in with his shithead gun like such a BIG MAN and made the world a much scarier and meaner place for the person he robbed and the people who work there.  To date he is still at large.  I feel outrage.  I feel helpless.  I want to kick the crap out of the person who did this and then punch him in the neck.  Is this my higher self talking?  Probably not, but it’s how I feel.  How dare he violate MY Trader Joe’s?

Then the punch to the gut yesterday that sent me to bed for the rest of the day.  A little three-year-old girl drowned in the Elks pool on Friday while there for a birthday party.  Same pool the boys and I  have frequented countless times with friends to cool off, socialize, play on the swingset, etc.  That pool was my entrĂ©e into San Luis Obispo life and embracing culture when we first moved here three years ago.  Like a symbol of camaraderie and childhood joy.  And then some poor parent I have probably rubbed elbows with in the Trader Joe's frozen food aisle had to leave that party without their baby.  Their life will never be the same.  A huge void has been created that can never be filled.

Meanwhile, throughout other parts of the country, people are reeling from the aftershock of racially-motivated shootings and violence.  What is going on?  Why is it so hard for us to love each other?  Why are people still fighting for the right to be able to go out and kill other people?  Aren’t we past this yet?


Meanwhile, McLean has lost his two front teeth.  Minecraft is being played at obsessive levels.  Blues games are going on down the street.  Life is going on.  But still my sadness for my fellow man remains.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Prince

I was really hoping it was just a hoax.  Now it appears to be real.  How can you be gone?  Do you have any idea what your music did to me?  How much it moved me?


I have the most vivid memory, a collection of them actually, of my 14 to 17-year-old self, night after night, lying in bed in the dark listening to the Purple Rain soundtrack.  It was our time alone together.  I never met you, but you were speaking to me alone.  There was The Beautiful Ones, my favorite, which simultaneously made me weep and turned me on.  Purple Rain and When Doves Cry.  Physically, you did things to my body without ever having touched me.  How on earth did you do that?  How did you incite such intense, frenzied feelings of lust and loss, things I was too young to have experienced yet?  Your shrieks and screams were like a wild animal, but at the same time, gave voice to the human experience.   As an artist, you were the real deal.  Everything about you was androgynous and strange, yet still aggressively masculine.  You didn’t need a loud voice or even size to convey your power.  It emanated in tsunami waves.  I can’t believe how much I miss you already.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Worst. Mother. EVER.

I blame it totally on these Pink Balls From Hell that we got at Taco Bell today.  The worst sort of sugary junk food not only because it was sugary junk food, but it was sugary junk food from a fast food place.  Our bodies were thrown into complete shock.  We don't normally eat stuff like that.  They're these weird greasy deep-fried cake balls with a mysterious sweet liquid center which for all I know could be made of pure concentrated liquid estrogen for how my family collapsed in a crying heap on the floor today mere hours after consumption.

Let me back up a little.

We've been under a bit of stress.  Moving into our new house has been wonderful, amazing, so fun and a dream come true.  But it hasn't been easy.  There have been many overnight guests, for one.  All of them helpful and wonderful and sharing in our excitement, but nonetheless, houseguests.

There has been some financial upset.  There has been remodeling (see previous post about painting kitchen and outside of the house).  Partway through that remodeling, our homeowners insurance informed us they had to drop us since our roof "appeared to be more than 20% deteriorated" -- forcing us to put a new roof on the house, something we thought we would have at least two more years to worry about.  Add to financial upset.

So every single day, since before we even moved in a month and a half ago, there is someone in the guest room/office, someone in the bathroom, someone on the roof banging, a few inspectors coming in and looking around, someone fixing the garbage disposal, then someone fixing the refrigerator (yes, lost a bunch of perfectly good, expensive food when that thing crapped out.  Add to financial upset.) Sometimes there are two workers here at once.  At times it feels like all I do is coordinate and run around, coordinate and run around.  Prepare food, clean (poorly), take a shower, oh yeah, SAY THANK YOU to all these people working their asses off to fix up YOUR house.

Not to mention everybody getting their bearings around a new neighborhood, the kids starting in a new school, meeting new friends, meeting new neighbors, starting up with the sports again and learning all those rules (soccer, flag football and tennis).  We're all just a little strung out.  I didn't realize how strung out until I made the (very bad) decision to get them out of the house whilst the fridge repair guy sprawled on the kitchen floor to replace the compressor and was spewing freon everywhere.  I couldn't prepare food in the kitchen and it was time for a late lunch.  And Taco Bell was there.

Everything seemed fine after we returned home until the squirrelly-ness of my children seemed to be reaching some sort of frightening apex.  Noah was bouncing on the couch and yammering/giggling like a crackhead.  All McLean wanted to do was hit balls against the wall of the house.  The outside was partially painted today, so I had to tell him a bunch of times not to do it.  Then Derek comes home, tells him some more times not to do it and finally takes the ball away, sending McLean into a frenzy of rage.  He gets a time out, but can't stick to the time out because he has to chase his brother across the house, both of them laughing maniacally as they run.

Just when I decide I just can't and I get up to retire to our bedroom and let Daddy handle it, McLean starts slamming his door, still on a time-out mind you, hard enough to shake the entire house.  Once.  Twice.  And somewhere between the second and third slam, I snapped.  I remember something similar happening when we first moved to SLO almost three years ago.

I grabbed him roughly by the shoulders and yelled (screamed, more like it) to STOP IT WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU OH MY GOD--

And immediately regretted it.  His eyes filled up with tears and he fell back on the bed in terrified sobs.

I fucking hate myself.

If anyone on this planet, husband included, had ever done anything to make my son feel that way, I would go all Samuel L on their ass.  I would strike down on thee with great vengeance and furious anger and so on and so forth.  But I had done it.  What can I do to myself?

Cry, that's what.  It's now five hours after the fact and I'm still crying.

I hugged him, cried, told him I was so sorry.  I didn't mean to scare him.  I don't ever want my kids to be afraid of me.  I told him I had a very stressful day and I should have taken some deep breaths and gone into another room.  I should have listened to myself and taken a break earlier.  I should not have lost my temper.  I cried some more.  He cried some more.  We stopped crying long enough to constructively discuss how he could be able to play more handball since he just can't get enough of it during the brief recesses at school but he really loves to play.  He managed to articulate this through post-sob huffs.  We agreed that he will ask for permission to go to the school more after hours so he can play some more.  I said I was sorry again and cried some more.  He hugged me, gave me a kiss, then went into his bathroom and came back out with a tissue.  He sat with me on the floor and carefully wiped all the tears.  My tears.  He was mothering me.

Throughout the above, Noah was crying real tears of sadness and loss that his new stuffed animal bird he had purchased with his own allowance had inexplicably stopped making the chirping sounds when you squeeze it.  He had just gotten it today, was already so attached he had named it (Baby Quire, because it's a quail) and was pacing the house in heaving sobs while Derek tried in vain to talk him off the Pink Balls From Hell ledge.  That didn't work, so he came in and threw his sobs onto our existing heap in the boys' room.  Poor Derek sat on the floor, bewildered by this mess of his family, still fresh from working all day thinking deep engineer thoughts but still putting his arms around us consolingly.  What else could he do?

And through all this, all I could think was, bitch what the hell were you thinking?  Eating those stupid Pink Balls of Doom???  Why?  Why?  Why, bitch, why?


Monday, September 14, 2015

New House!

Well, it's official.  We have settled down.  After living in that old, old, old house in SLO for the past two and a half years, we finally found a place in town that we could call home.  It was the location that drew us to the place most of all -- corner lot on a cul de sac, a block from the park, quiet family neighborhood.  The house itself is not huge, but the yard is, and that was what we wanted more.  It still has a retro vibe to it since it was built in 1960, but had been modestly and tastefully updated over the years.  No weird colors on the walls, no janky additions, no granite countertops thank you very much.

The outside needs a paint job and a little TLC, but that was okay since we get to pick the color.  We're still undecided on that for now, but leaning toward the original light avocado color spotted underneath layers of paint.

The sellers had taken great care of the place (can't BELIEVE they had three kids in here and you can tell they were a shoeless family); so basically the house is a blank slate that we get to personalize one room at a time.

Unpacking and organizing is still happening and seems like it will be happening for the next ten years or so, but we have managed to get the most important room in the house completed, so I can post the before and afters now!

The kitchen is fairly new and I didn't have a problem with the quality of the workmanship, but something about it was just cave-like.  And I had an issue with the black countertops.  You can't really see from the photos, but there is glitter in them.  Not a delicate, natural rock-like shimmer, but big chunks of what can only be described as Stripper Glitter.  Yeah.  Come to find out later, these countertops are quartz.  Very good, durable, solid counters.  We couldn't justify replacing them and couldn't afford to do so anyway with the new mortgage payment.  So I called in my friend Jessica Lynn (yes, she of the amazing life I am currently writing a movie about) and decided a paint job was the way to go.

Here is the kitchen before:

Kinda sad and dark, right?  It's like it just sucked all the light out of the room.  It was also weird that there was absolutely no hardware on any of the cabinets or drawers.  So my girl came in and sprayed all the cabinets a lovely Swiss Coffee white, and did a nice buttery yellow shade (Behr Roasted Corn) on the walls just to brighten it up a bit more.  We actually had to dilute it with more Swiss Coffee to tone it down a little; it was just too spazzy.  We also painted the island with the same yellow so it would pop a bit more.  I picked out the hardware from Home Depot, took down the white horizontal blinds and put up my cute dingle-dangle curtains I had in our Encino kitchen and voila!  We now have this:




I love it so much.  It is the happiest room in the house, even late in the day when these photos were taken.  And I have decided I love the black stripper countertops.  They grow on you.

The cake stand belonged to Derek's Grammy and I think it makes a perfect fruit plate and ties in the black and white theme.  The girl head and ceramic figures on the windowsill belonged to my Grammy.  The metal sign on the door is something I bought at a Red Cross flea market in Germany and gives a nice red accent.  All in all, I am so happy with how it turned out.  Now on to the next room . . .