Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Day Five

You guys, I know, I am in shock myself. I have made it to Day Five of The Cleanse. No food, no alcohol, no coffee, no nothing. Just large amounts of water, water, water, organic lemon juice, pure organic maple syrup and cayenne pepper. Oh, and more water. Here are my observations thus far:

1. It's not as hard as I thought it would be. I have had no major hunger pangs or moments of caving in. This has been the biggest surprise of all.

2. In the absence of food, alcohol, or even a nice cup of joe, one becomes bored easily. This boredom is remedied by looking around the house and noticing all the crap you were too lazy to do because you were cooking/chowing down/hungover/too tired. You start doing it.

3. When all that stuff is done, you start noticing the things that were an ugly beige color and really should be jazzed up with some paint. I painted the kitchen step-stool. Yes, I actually painted a step-stool, but it has sentimental value. It belonged to my grandparents, whom I dearly miss, but it was this ugly-ass barf-beige color. It is now a jazzy green color with metallic blue sponge shapes. I got really into it. I also took this stark white little table that we put our keys and junk on, and transformed it into a nice, distressed denim blue. Now it’s purty. I like that.

4. You really do have energy to do stuff once the initial detox mild headaches and blah feelings go away (for me it was two days, and again, not that bad). I hiked Runyon on Sunday and Caballero on Monday, and felt awesome the whole time.

5. There was a point in one of my hikes where I caught a whiff of something sweet in the vegetation that reminded me of Mrs. Fields chocolate chip cookies for some reason. At that moment, I would have cut off a limb in exchange for 50 of those particular cookies, an item that I don’t seek out or consume with any sort of regularity. Of course I was prepared for this from the material I had read about The Cleanse -- while you’re doing it, certain toxins will be running around and causing intense cravings of sweets or salty things or whatever you normally crave. INTENSE?! I now understand the severity of the word. This INTENSE craving lasted about 15 minutes, and I was able to talk myself through it, and it was over. Of course, I was out in the middle of freakin’ nature. There was no Mrs. Fields to be had. So I was kinda screwed anyway.

6. You really notice how many food commercials are on TV. Almost every other commercial has savory some such thing, or luscious decadent item that you absolutely must eat, IN YOUR FACE in all its glistening, buttery-looking, perfectly cooked glory. Every other commercial, I swear! Thank God for TiVo and the ability to fast-fo through that crap. It was my saving grace.

7. Your sense of smell becomes very acute. On my way to one of my hikes, I caught a whiff of someone cooking. They were making carne asada with a side of refried beans and what I thought to be a tomatillo sauce in there somewhere. I knew all this by driving past. Is this what it’s like to be a dog? They have total bionic smellers of food they never get to eat? No wonder they beg all the time. I considered banging on these people’s door and begging, but resisted the urge.

8. You can breathe better. Seriously. You can take in more oxygen because nothing is sitting around in your insides getting in the way. And that feels very satisfying.

9. Sometimes, when I just needed to be a little bit “bad”, while measuring out the maple syrup, I would lick the spoon afterward. This made me feel very dirty and sly, but I kinda liked it. Tee hee!

10. Whenever I felt the slightest bit icky or headachey in the first couple of days, I could just go to bed and it would go away. This was a fabulous excuse to get oodles of sleep that I wouldn’t ordinarily get to indulge in. And I like that, too.

11. My dogs know something is up. A couple of times, Rufus has come up and sniffed my breath like he often does (he is snoopy, he likes to know what I’ve eaten). Then he will give me this quizzical look as if to say “Bitch, what? You have total access to all this food, of which we are denied. WTF?”

12. I consider The Cleanse the lesser of two evils. It was either this, or do the Hollywood Starlet Diet of Throw-Up With a Side of Cocaine. So far this one is working for me, so I’ll keep it, thanks.


Anonymous said...

It is claimed that the Master Cleanser "dissolves and eliminates toxins, cleanses the kidneys, purifies the glands and cells, and helps purify the liver."

This affirmation is of course based on nothing solid at all.

Please understand that there is no food that will cleanse the liver or purify the liver. Only the body has the ability to do so. Water is a carrying agent that is used to remove toxins out of the body. Lemon juice has no action on the body. Once it is digested, it doesn't help cleanse anything. Cayenne pepper is an irritant. Maple syrup is a simple sugar that is inferior to fruit sugar.

All the benefits that you would get from the Master Cleanser come from simply refraining from eating solid food for a few days. You would get better results if you fasted 3-4 days in bed rather than doing this "cleanse" for 7-10 days.

It is also claimed that the Master Cleanser "eliminates all unusable waste and hardened material in the joints and muscles."

Again, this is simply hype. Only the body has the ability to remove unusable waste. The water is simply a carrying agent and the lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne are digested or rejected and have no part to play in this process. You would get the same results from drinking water only for a day or two.

It is claimed that the Master Cleanser "builds a healthy blood stream." How is that possible? Blood stream is build by eating a variety of foods, and there is nothing special in maple syrup, cayenne pepper and lemon juice that will make that process better or faster.

It's also said that the Master Cleanser "relieves pressure and irritation in the nerves, arteries and blood vessels."

Again, this just comes from not eating solid food for a few days. You would get the same results with juices, water, or any other type of "cleanse"

Valley Girl said...

And the educated source of the above info is... ???

"The lemon in this diet is a loosening and cleansing agent with many important building factors. The ability of the elements in the lemon and the maple syrup along with the cayenne pepper work together to create the following results:
The natural iron, copper, calcium, carbon and hydrogen found in the sweetening supplies more building and cleansing material.
The cayenne pepper is necessary as it breaks up mucus and increases warmth by building the blood for an additional lift. It also adds many of the B vitamins and Vitamin C."
Louise Tenney (Today's Herbal Health) lists other health and nutritional benefits of the cleanse as well.

Anonymous said...


CaliValleyGirl said...

I am totally cracking up that someone wrote you such a detailed comment about why what you are doing is wrong...um, well, all I can say is who wants to stay in bed for 4 days? Your hiking in Runyon Canyon sounds a lot better.

I sometimes fast over Lent: no alcohol or sugar for those 40 days...wow, that is so killer, but worth it just for how suddenly everything becomes so sweet afterwards.

Also I love how everything tastes so good after a diet, you have so much more appreciation for that Krispy Kreme, when you do finally indulge after a fast. But man, the sugar coma comes fast then.

I have also decided to do a "diet" of sorts. The Abs Diet...it is a 6 week thing, but I will be doing it until my bf gets back...which is like 4-5 weeks from now.

Anyways...later gator!

Valley Girl said...

I know, right? And the source quoted is some guy who has quote-unquote "studied nutrition". WTF?

I've managed pretty well listening to my body, and that's what I'm doing in this case. Exactly -- fast in bed for 4 days? Say what? No, thanks.

heddie sinatra said...

hmmm.....i feel kinda bad eating a choc- choc chip muffin while reading this....hahhaha

you go girl...proud of you....i think i a just gonna try the hollywood starlet diet as i have no will power....hheheh


Anonymous said...

Wife and I are on day two....I am peeing every five minutes, tongue looks like a licked a chalk board and my eliminations........ well...lets just say they smell like lemons. We are planning on 10 days.