Dear Baby McLean,
I realize you are pissed that Mommy ate the spicy noodles for dinner, but did you really need to get me out of bed at 3:00 a.m. to watch Tom Selleck and his ginormous pornstache in Her Alibi? The ‘stache is quite frightful when peered at through delirious, nauseated, sleep-deprived eyes, but I had never before noticed how it also looks as though his eyebrows are taking over much of the real estate of his face. I guess they didn’t do much facial hair grooming in the 80s, but still. The man has some serious outcroppage going on. So I gave you some Barbara’s Oat Squares cereal, do you think you can chill and let Mama have some sleep now? It would be really super considering it was kind of a long and stressful day, and I’m pretty exhausted.
We got to see you on TV again today. The doctor was concerned that my belly (aka The McLean Condo) was too big for where I am in the pregnancy and ordered an ultrasound to check out what’s going on in there. He said it could be my uterine fibroids crowding you, could be a couple of scary things that are hard to tell without peering in on your little butt like some kind of techno-voyeurs and checking it out. I was worried all weekend that the doc would tell me I would need to be put on bed rest, a very real possibility. I realize the prospect of bed rest would be a dream-come-true for many people, but not your mama. Mama needs action, Mama needs to have experiences, especially now that the evil bronchitis is over. Mama needs to get the hell out of the house and do some stuff and things. When you fly the condo in May and start seeing how fun things are out here, you’ll understand.
So it turns out that you are simply a little on the big side, and that the amniotic fluid is a little more on the voluminous side, both of which are causing me to stick out a little more than usual. No bed rest. And a huge sigh of relief from your mommy and daddy. Pity the man who has to live with a confined woman. Your dad was probably sweatin’ more bullets than I was. And I’m really glad your doc is on top of things, but I could have gone the whole pregnancy without having to worry about weird things happening with you, like your not swallowing fluid properly, or my fibroids squashing you in the condo.
But the bright side is, we got to see you and your cute little face again. It is probably too premature to say, but I think you got my nose. Here you are, with your peaceful little face.
And here you are yawning.
There are no words in the English language to express your mommy’s relief that you are okay. I guess for now, “I love you” will have to suffice.
And since you know how to yawn now, you must know what it’s like to be sleepy. So, go to sleep, Baby. Please?