Monday, January 28, 2008

Top 6 Reasons I Can’t Sleep For Shit

6. Baby McLean routinely holds Uterus-Kicking Contests in the McLean Condo between the hours of midnight and 6:00 a.m. Have you ever tried to sleep while a tiny little person stomped your insides? Try it sometime.

5. I have never snored in my life, but am now so damn congested every time I lie down that when I do actually fall asleep, I routinely wake myself up with a loud snort that sounds something like a wild boar shouting “SSSGNAAACK!” directly into my ear.

4. With nasal congestion comes mouth-breathing, also a novelty to me. If I do not first wake myself with a wild boar snort, I will inevitably wake because my mouth is hanging open and an ambitious stream of drool is making a break for it, causing me to jump up in alarm and disgust, furiously wiping my face and then attempting to settle back to sleep atop the nice clammy wet spot on my pillow. Ewwwwwww!!!!

3. I have never been a nighttime eater, with the exception of those times in my past life when I would go out partying until the wee hours and then need the requisite 3:00 a.m. Reuben from Canter’s on Fairfax or Monster Tacos from Jack In The Crack. Not so anymore. Not only is there no partying going on, but I will even have a very satisfying dinner only to actually be awakened at 3:00 a.m. by the ravenous beast that is my stomach! WTF? I just fed you, bitch!

2. I have only two stinking positions I can sleep in: A) On my right side; or B) On my left side. Once I settle in all nice and cozy with my giant pregnancy pillow (aka Humpty) all wedged just so, within an hour or so, the arm and/or hip I am lying on will start to hurt, forcing me to flip like a giant incubating omelette, along with Humpty, to attempt to fall back asleep as fast as possible and cook the other side before that side gets sore and wakes me up. This goes on approximately 8 to 10 flips per night. It’s really neat.

1. Sometimes I just wake up and can’t believe how exciting it all is, this little guy living inside me, and the thoughts just start coming: Am I going to be a good mother? What is his personality going to be like? Will he look like a Mini-Derek and melt my heart every time I look at him? How could I ever discipline him if that is the case? When the hell is he going to come out? How bad is it really going to hurt when he does? Will I ever be able to sleep again once he is out? Or will it be like the times my Godbaby has spent the night, and I lay awake obsessing about the sound of her breathing and if it sounded normal and mentally reviewing every article I have ever read about SIDS and my God that wasn’t even my kid and I barely slept a wink!

I know I need to just relax and enjoy being pregnant now. But it’s so hard sometimes. Maybe a good night’s sleep will help.

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