Monday, March 31, 2008

Preggo Watch '08

I’m in the home stretch, as it were.  Only about six weeks to go.  I’m doing pretty good.  Baby Mac continues to kick the crap out of me on a daily basis.  He usually gives a few kicks and squirms right after I eat, but he doesn’t really get going until around 5:00 p.m.  I have taken to calling it “Junior’s Happy Hour” although really it lasts about five hours.  He starts up with the grooving and doesn’t stop, especially when Daddy comes home and he hears his voice.

I started a prenatal yoga class in Sherman Oaks at Black Dog Yoga and love it.  It has helped calm down my obsessive psychotic pregnant brain a LOT.  Not to mention all the stretching really helps my poor overstressed joints and muscles.  I have gained over 40 lbs., people!  Heaving all that weight around is not easy!  I have to do things a lot more slowly and carefully than I am used to, and that has made me much more patient.

Bending over or getting up off the couch or turning over in bed are still a world of suck, but now it’s just part of daily life.  Speaking of daily life, here are a few of my favorite things that I will get to have back again before too long:

Things I miss about NOT being pregnant and am really looking forward to:

  1. Shaft.  I miss my pole, y’all.  I miss blasting Korn and spinning around on that thing at mach 10 with my hair on fire (yes, that was a lame Top Gun reference, but it kinda works, no?)
  2. Going running and hiking.  Rollerblading, riding my pink bike.  Just being active in general.
  3. Dirty martinis.  Mojitos.  A cold Hefeweizen with lemon on the Venice boardwalk.
  4. Sushi.
  5. Sleeping on my back.
  6. Sleeping through the night without having to get up and pee four times.
  7. Sleeping without waking myself up snoring, snorting, drooling, or with an excruciating charlie horse in my leg.  Ever had your calf sliced open with a dull butcher knife?  That’s what it feels like.
  8. Not having to ask my poor husband to fetch me water or a glass of milk or a chipwich (the ice cream sandwiches from Trader Joe’s, OMG you have not LIVED until you have had one) because dammit, it is just too friggin’ hard to get up off the couch once I am there.
  9. Not having to go to the doctor’s office every stinking month – ugh!  And now that I’m in the third trimester, it’s every two weeks!  I would SO not made a good hypochondriac.  I love my OB and his nurse, but me and the medical establishment simply do not mix.
  10. Sex without needing a forklift.  Need I say more?
That being said, here are a few of the things I will really miss about being pregnant:
  1. How nice and helpful total strangers are to me, especially the Trader Joe’s guys.  Sometimes they will even pull me out of line and open up a cash register just because they see my giant pregnant ass standing there looking non-plussed.  It’s super nice to be a VIP.
  2. Cutting myself a slackburger with cheese about stuffing my face.  This is the only time in my life I can really let myself be such a pig and not feel guilty, and lordy, am I embracing it!
  3. Not having to hold in my stomach.  My belly is large and in charge and is just out there, bitches – deal with it!
  4. Having a valid excuse to lie down every day.
  5. Thick, luxuriant hair and glowy skin.  Those preggo hormones really rock when it comes to that.
  6. Feeling my little baby kick and move.  I get kinda teared up when I think about it.  There will come a time very soon when he will be outside of me, and I won’t have that motherly luxury of feeling him close, so close to me, knowing all the time that he is safe and warm and protected in this quiet bubble of love inside my body.  Yeah.  I’m really going to miss that.


[Photo of me courtesy of Jen.  Yes, I know, she is brilliant, but try telling her that.  We took a bunch of nekkid photos over the weekend and they are amazing, but you don't get to see them.]

Thursday, March 20, 2008

I'm Sad

I had to take out my belly button ring the other day.  I had been hoping against all hope that I could leave it in  for the whole pregnancy because, well, I'm attached to it now after six years.  And I had read that unless it was causing me any discomfort, I could leave it in.  I only have two months left to go, so I figured I was home free.

Well, suddenly it started feeling stretched and tight and kinda itchy one day, and Derek agreed that it was looking kind of wonky and should probably come out.  I took it out, and now have the saddest-looking belly button.  Since my belly button is an "innie" in the process of popping out from my bulging belly, I now look like I have a small cat's butt on my belly with a weird slit above it where the piercing is.  It is bizarre.
And if you think that's a funny visual, you should see me trying to put lotion on my lower legs after a shower.  Since my belly is so big, I can't really bend over properly, or even put my legs up on something to bend over and lotion them.  So I have to spread my legs really far apart to lotion up both legs at the same time, and assume a position that can only be described as "Sumo Wrestler Doubled Over Trying to Look Up His Own Butt."  And then I start laughing at how goofy I must look and almost fall over.
Yeah, I amuse myself.
Oh, and the Lucky Charms feedings?  Back in full effect.  In fact, I think I'll go hook up a bowl right now.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Another Thing That Pisses Me Off

How the flu shot is pushed onto people at every turn, especially children and the elderly.  

I have never had a flu shot in my life, mainly because it never made sense to me that I be vaccinated for one or two particular strains of flu when there are so many strains out there, not to mention those strains mutating and becoming something else -- the very nature of what a virus does.  Add to that getting some of the symptoms of the flu after you get the shot because your body doesn't like the crap you just injected it with and reacts.  And there's no guarantee I won't come down with the flu after getting the shot?  And I pay $20-30 for the privilege?  No thanks.  

This article addresses the money-making sham of the flu shot, and talks about how the recent death of a little girl in Minnesota is being used to hype the shot even more.  Back to the children and the elderly part -- the flu shot contains tons of mercury, in levels that are extremely toxic for anyone who weighs less than 550 lbs.  Why, why, why would you want to put that into the body of a little person or older person who has low immunity to begin with???

I'm pissed!  When does it stop?

Thursday, March 13, 2008

This Just Boils My Blood

Pun intended. 

I am currently reading this book, The Sanctity of Human Blood: Vaccination Is Not Immunization, by Tim O’Shea, which was loaned to me by the chiropractor I was doing massage for when I asked him why he didn't have his kids vaccinated.  To say it is incredibly disturbing, well-referenced and researched common sense and hard to put down would be an understatement.  Just ask my husband – I would not shut up about it the other night over dinner for at least an hour.

This article is in the same vein, concerning the Hep-B vaccine that is routinely administered to every infant born in this country, and something that most people just don’t know about or think to investigate.  Ya know, I have to say, as a parent-to-be, you have enough shit to worry about without also throwing in what our own government deems safe to inject into your baby’s body so that Big Pharma can make billions.  

And if you think the government gives a rat’s ass about your health or that of your child’s, think again.  Can you say Massive Meat Recall?

Monday, March 03, 2008

Movie Minute

Yes, there is preggo news, but I am so bored talking about it and it doesn’t amount to much more than the following:

 1) I am friggin’ ginormous.  So much so that I had to get new maternity clothes so as not to be forced to run around nekkid in the remaining 2.5 months and possibly frighten passersby who happen past the house.  It’s true that boys sit lower in your midsection, so now am I not only pregnant in my belly, but also in my hips and am now sporting Jabba The Hut-like jowls.  Yay!  I saw a recent photo of myself and just about barfed.

2) Getting up from a sitting position just blows.  The grunting, the groaning.  It’s like being 90 years old all the sudden.  Even Grammy doesn’t complain this much when she stands up from her easy chair, and she’s a hundred and freakin’ two!

3)  Still as tired as ever – with a new and exciting crabby twist!  My worst enemies:  “Customer Service” phone personnel and medicated/stoned drivers on the road.  I think they all just need to die.  Before I kill them myself.

But this post is not about pregnancy gripes.  In my limited mobility, waking hours, and lack of tolerance for the public at large, it has been a great opportunity to get caught up on movies.  Here are my latest critiques in case you are wondering what a psychotic pregnant person would have you put in your Netflix qeue:

1) The Last King of Scotland.  Oh my god.  This one blew me away.  Not like I’ve ever been that up on the history of Ugandan leadership, but Forest Whitaker scared the SHIT out of me in his portrayal of Idi Amin, the brutal dictator who ruled Uganda in the 70s.  This movie is not for the squeamish, though.  There were two visuals in particular that will haunt my nightmares forever (if you’ve seen it, you know which ones they are), but I am so glad I saw this thrilling rendering of the story and learned a bit about this important time in African history.

2) Lucky Number Slevin.  My new favorite gangster movie, hands friggin’ down.  Or at least it’s now up there in the top three along with Goodfellas and The Departed.  Not only a taut and slick mystery, but hello, you get Morgan Freeman and Ben Kingsley as two colossal baddies each intent on screwing each other over so bad, you could cut the tension with a butter knife.  Not to mention a beautiful love story that allows you to fall in love with Lucy Liu all over again.

3) Sleeping Dogs Lie.  This poor girl admits to her fiancĂ© the most disgusting thing she ever did.  If you can get past the first five minutes of the movie where that thing is revealed (don’t worry – they don’t show it), you will find a tender and heartbreaking little story about honesty in relationships, and laugh your ass off at the meth-head brother.

4) Notes On A Scandal.  I have always marveled at Cate Blanchett’s range, and this movie is no exception.  And of course, Judi Dench just rocks the friggin’ house no matter what she does.  There were a couple of scenes in this movie where a look from her shot violent chills down my whole body.  She is THAT good.

5) Spanking The Monkey.  Yes, yet another movie involving a main character doing something really pervy, in this case, sliding down a slippery slope into Oedipal tendencies.  But a sweet and relatable coming-of-age story for anyone who has ever felt put upon and unable to break out of a toxic cycle.  I love how good indie films will take a microcosm situation and really examine it and explore it, and this movie does just that.

6) Just Friends.  Okay, this is not a movie I have just recently seen for the first time, but rather, seen many times for its neverending ability to make me laugh my ass off (Kristi, you know what I’m talking about – one night when we all shared a motel room after a wedding and this came on, she and I cracked up over it even though we had both seen it many times).  Not only does it have the funniest sibling rivalry scenes I have ever seen, but has permanently cemented Anna Faris in my mind as the best comedienne of our time.  Oh, and adorable love story, for those of you who are into that crap.

That’s it for now, until I remember more and feel the need to share my thumb position with you.  Meanwhile, I leave you with this quote from Jeff Spicoli of Fast Times At Ridgemont High:  “People on ludes should not drive!”