The Real TRANSPARENT

It’s the latest binge-watching obsession for Derek and me.  After the kids are in bed, we cue up the next episode of Transparent.  Each episode compels you relentlessly to the next, resulting in some unintentional late nights for us, and I suppose the pleasure would be guilty if the show weren’t so beautifully written and executed.   The cherry on top is the ever-talented and lovable Jeffrey Tambor in the lead role of Maura Pfefferman, whose late-in-life journey into womanhood is beset on all sides by her three agenda-driven grown children.

But what does the journey look like for a real transgender parent, specifically, one whose transition takes place while the children are still young and living in the home?  How far will someone go to keep their child away from what they perceive as not a “normal” parent?  In the light that finally shines on a person who has successfully transitioned to the body and life in which they feel the most comfortable, is there a darkness of discrimination that must follow?  Specifically, does the person still have the right to be a parent?

Let me tell you a true story about a real Transparent named Jessica Lynn.  I began interviewing Jessica with the hopes of getting some background for a character in the novel I was working on.  I was so moved and outraged by what she told me that I decided to put the novel on hold and write a screenplay about her life.  What follows is part of her story.

****

Jessica Lynn was born Jeffrey Alan Butterworth in Tarzana, California.  A healthy boy by all accounts except for one major problem, a birth defect as she calls it:  Jeff was painfully and profoundly uncomfortable in his own body from an early age and secretly longed, more than anything, to be female.

Jeff’s parents, especially his mother Sheila, sensed something was not right with their child.  When Jeff was five years old, Sheila took him to be evaluated by a specialist in sexual psychology at UCLA, who told Jeff’s parents that society makes a person’s gender and not to discuss the issue with their son; simply raise him as a boy and he will eventually become a boy.

Sadly, this was not to be the case.  Jeff spent his childhood and early twenties tortured by feelings of not being “right” and of living a lie.  At the age of seven, he tried unsuccessfully to saw off his own penis with a razor.  At the age of thirteen, he discovered he could medicate away these tormenting feelings with alcohol and drugs, which he used in excess to relieve the pain.  He attempted suicide nine times.

Finally, at the age of 23, Jeff’s mother had a desperate heart-to-heart with her child.  She told him she knew that he had always secretly wanted to be a girl.  She told him about the specialist from UCLA, and that they thought they had done the right thing as parents by keeping their knowledge of his deep unhappiness away from young Jeff.  She told Jeff they had gone so far as to put in for a transfer at work in order to move to a different area and change Jeff’s name, raise him as a girl.  But in the end they had followed the specialist’s erroneous advice.  “This is what we have to do now,” she told him.  “You need to be happy.  Your father and I will be with you through the whole journey.”

It was during this time of planning his transition and saving for the requisite surgeries to become his true gender that he met a woman named Rachel.  Rachel actively pursued Jeff and the two began a relationship.  He was not attracted to women, but loved the company of women and had fun with Rachel.  He eventually confided his secret to her and she seemed unfazed, going so far as to go shopping with him for women’s clothing and shoes, helping him with his make-up so he could dress as a woman on occasion.

Rachel became pregnant with Jeff’s child and the two married in 1991, then had another son, Bradley, two years later.  Jeff still planned to transition to female, but had to put those plans on hold with the birth of his children.  He adored them, and Rachel didn’t mind when Jeff would dress in women’s clothing on occasion.  It seemed this would have to be the arrangement for the time.

Though Rachel had seemed initially supportive of Jeff’s innermost desires and plans to transition, she grew tired of their unconventional arrangement and filed for divorce in 1996.  The two shared custody of their two boys and Jeff began the double life of a man who presents as a woman part of the time.  While he was with his children, he was Daddy.  When the children were with their mother, he was Jessica, dressed in women’s clothing and make-up, and frequented transgender clubs and events.

One Christmas in 1998, Jeff discovered through his children that they had no Christmas tree at their mom’s house, so Jeff brought one over and spent the night.

Rachel became pregnant a third time and another son, we’ll call him Clayton, was born.  Jeff and Rachel’s efforts at cohabiting for the sake of the children again failed, launching a custody battle that lasted several years.  Rachel, through her attorney, demanded a full psychiatric evaluation of the family, during which she admitted to the evaluator that she had known of Jeff’s desire to become a woman before they were even married.

In 2006 when the judge rendered the verdict in the case, he stated he had never seen such a good and devoted father, granting Jeff full custody of Jeffrey Jr., Bradley and Clayton.

Now a single father raising three boys in 2007, Jeff resumed plans to complete his transition to become female.  The economy tanked and he lost his home to foreclosure.  He and Rachel began talking again about working something out so that Jeff could transition and Rachel could have time with the kids.  They got a place together in the California Central Valley and Jeff financed Rachel’s way through school to become a dental hygienist so she could attain a reliable career.  Once she completed school and Jeffrey Jr. completed high school, the two agreed that Rachel would take the boys to Allen, Texas to live with her sister so that Jeff could complete the sex change surgeries.  He would then reunite with his children and move them back to California.

Rachel asked Jeff to sign over parental rights to their youngest child, but Jeff refused, asserting that Clayton would learn when he was old enough to understand that his father was transitioning from male to female.  The two older boys knew of their father’s plans and offered support.  Jeff Jr. offered to come back with him to California to help during the transition; Bradley asserted “You’re still my dad and I love you no matter what.”

Now it was time to get down to the business of surgeries.  There was the Trache Shave, the breast implants, the Genital Reassignment Surgery, and later, the vocal chord surgery to lighten the voice.  Then in September of 2010 on the way out of the hospital in Trinidad, Colorado, the surgeon’s assistant handed Jeff a letter stating that Jessica Lynn, formerly Jeffrey Alan Butterworth, had completed her transition and was now, according to the United States government, 100% female.  She was overjoyed with her new body and her new life.  At the age of 45, she finally felt normal, whole.  She felt at peace with herself.  It was time to reunite with all three of her kids.

During the period of the multiple sex change surgeries and ensuing recoveries, Jessica had been in constant phone contact with all three of her sons.  She and Rachel had agreed that they would tell Clayton of his father’s transition when they were certain he was mature enough to comprehend and deal with the news.  He was now twelve years old, and it was time.  Phone calls to Rachel to work out a plan to inform Clayton about their father becoming a woman revealed that Rachel had now had quite a change of heart.  She called Jessica a “flaming faggot” and stated that she should “burn in hell.”  Jessica’s subsequent attempts to contact Rachel by phone, text and e-mail went unreturned, and Rachel stopped allowing Jessica phone contact with Clayton.  A month later, Jessica received a notice from the District Court of Collin County, Texas, stating that Rachel was filing for complete termination of Jessica’s parental rights.

Jessica was appalled.  How could this happen?  She had wanted to wait until the right time to tell her son of her sex change for his own psychological well-being.  Now was finally the right time and she missed him and his brother terribly.  How could removing the child’s parent entirely be in the child’s best interest?

She immediately set about finding a qualified LGBT-friendly lawyer.  She flew to Texas for the hearing and petitioned to be allowed to see her child since she was still legally the parent who had full custody of all three children.  The court responded by ordering Jessica to receive yet another full psychological evaluation performed by a court-appointed doctor.  She again traveled from California to Texas to complete the evaluation.

The evaluation involved multiple standard psychological tests and a barrage of invasive questions.  Jessica maintained an open and forthcoming position.  This was, after all, about what was best for Clayton.  Rachel and the two older boys Jeffrey Jr. and Bradley were interviewed, as well as multiple friends and witnesses.  In the end, the evaluator saw through the drivel and stated for the court in his Forensic Psychological Evaluation, “Concerns about parenting neglect by Ms. Lynn were not substantiated by the information gathered in this evaluation.  On the contrary, collateral sources describe Ms. Lynn as a devoted, conscientious and caring parent.  It is recommended that Ms. Lynn [seek] a mental health professional during the reunification process to assist her with appropriate responses toward Clayton.”

You would think that would be the end of the story.  That Jessica would be allowed to reunite with her son, inform him of her corrected birth defect, and live happily ever after.  But to quote Louise in the movie Thelma and Louise, “We don’t live in that kind of world, Thelma!”  Rachel, through her attorney, disputed the psychological evaluation claiming it was biased, something she was within her rights to do, even though the court had selected the evaluator.

Jessica’s attorney told her it would cost her approximately $100,000 to even be allowed to speak to her son again, and he asked for another $10,000 retainer.  Jessica was out of money at this point, and decided to represent herself.  She had two positive psychological evaluations from two different states in her favor, a full custody order, and phone records and letters proving constant contact between herself and her sons during her transition.

She appeared in court acting as her own attorney, along with her oldest son Jeffrey Jr., to plead with the judge to allow her and Jeffrey Jr. to have contact with young Clayton (Jeffrey Jr.’s own mother had shunned him after his allegiance to his father and would no longer allow contact between him and his little brother).  The psychological evaluation that the judge himself had ordered (under threat of jail time, mind you) was not allowed in the case.  The previous psychological evaluation performed in California was deemed not relevant to the case.  The phone records listing the myriad of phone calls between Jessica and Clayton were not allowed, and neither were handwritten correspondence between Clayton and his father.  In the end, the judge told Jessica to go back to California and wait for his decision.

Four days later, the unfathomable happened:  the Texas court had taken away all of Jessica’s parental rights to her youngest child Clayton.  The judge stated in his ruling that Jessica had abandoned her child, engaged in conduct that endangered the emotional well-being of the child, and failed to support the child financially in accordance with her ability.  (No request for child support had ever been made or offered up to the court by Rachel throughout the course of the time the children were under her care.)  “I really believe that the court made their decision before I ever set foot in the courtroom,” Jessica says.

Vowing to appeal the case as soon as possible, Jessica received a call from her older sister the day after she received the judge’s ruling.  Their youngest brother, Jamie, had been found dead in an apparent suicide.  Jessica flew to be at her mother’s side and to help make arrangements.  When things had settled down, she discovered that she had missed the window for an appeal, mistakenly believing she had three months to file one.  She didn’t realize that only in family law cases, the deadline to file an appeal is 21 days.  She sought help from every available outlet: Lambda Legal, Transgender Law Center, the ACLU, the Department of Justice, all of whom told her the same thing:  She had been blatantly and maliciously discriminated against with everything timed in just such a way that all the doors would close.  No one could help her.

Months after the judge’s ruling, she received a notice from Rachel’s attorney, timed so that Jessica would receive it exactly on Christmas Eve Day.  It was the court’s order terminating Jessica’s parental rights to Clayton, along with an additional Christmas present:  Pursuant to the mother’s request, the court ordered that Jeffrey A. Butterworth’s name be removed from Clayton’s birth certificate.  The parent/child relationship was now severed – something most family law judges equate with the death penalty, allowed in the most severe of cases such as the child being physically abused to the point of near death.

Why all this back and forth? I wanted to know.  How could Jessica trust this woman who clearly turned out to be so destructive and downright mean, and repeatedly reunite with her, let her take the kids out of state?  The answer is two-fold:  She couldn’t imagine someone being so devious.  Her mind simply does not work that way.  And she really thought she was doing what was in the best interest of her kids.  She had done everything right.  She had been a loving and devoted parent to her children, complied with every request, jumped through all the hoops, and in the end, she still didn’t have her son.

“I can never see him.  I can’t hold him.  I don’t even know if he’s alive or dead, and I’m not allowed to know or contact him in any way until he turns 18.”  She pauses.  “He has no way of knowing how much his daddy loves him.  I just want him to know that I love him, that I never gave up on him,” she says, her blue kohl-rimmed eyes brimming with tears.

Jessica’s mother Sheila is equally stunned by the turn of events.  “She’s a far better motherly person than I am,” she states.  “She’s taught me so much compassion.  [When she was little] Jessica always brought home the damaged things, the snail with the broken shell, the butterfly with a broken wing.  She was such a gentle child.  I am quite certain [the court] would be more accepting of her if she had cancer or was born with three legs.”

Perhaps a happier, well-adjusted, gentle parent is the better parent and should be allowed their relationship with their child, regardless of gender.

But we don’t live in that kind of world.

The Asshole Voice

I've been hesitant to post about this for a few reasons, and finally decided that all those reasons were lame and that being an open book is best.

I'm writing a novel.

But I am first taking a break from this novel to write a screenplay.

The novel was coming along nicely in terms of output.  Those of you with young kids know how difficult it is to get work done when the kids are around, so actual productivity is restrained to the few hours per week during which they are both in school, and is always, always accompanied by a metric ton of laundry.  What was most difficult, however, was processing the emotions that came up in the course of the work.

The novel concerns the suicide of a friend of mine when I was 18, and encompasses some other childhood issues that, upon closer examination, had gone unresolved and unexamined by me.  You do what you have to do to survive and things get swept under the rug.  Until you decide to peek under the rug and then can't stop crying because the job of cleaning under the rug seems insurmountable.  I had to take a break.  I am not one to hide my emotions from the kids, but I can't be a good functional mama if I can't pull myself together day after day.  Processing this crap would have to go back to the subconscious level for the time being.

Then in the course of reaching out to gain particular insight into one of the characters of the novel, I came across a woman whose story moved me so much, I decided to write a movie about her.  This would be a perfect break from dwelling too much on my own past by recreating hers.

Enter The Asshole Voice.

"Who are you to write a screenplay about anyone?" the Asshole Voice demands.  "You've only written two, and those haven't even been made into movies.  You're not a Hollywood player!"

Let me tell you about The Asshole Voice.  Most writers already know The Asshole Voice quite well, but I'm going to call her out anyway for the purpose of exorcising the demons and permitting others to tell their own Asshole Voice to STFU.

The Asshole Voice mocks.  The Asshole Voice scoffs, sneers and belittles.  Sometimes she doesn't even say anything, but I can see her rolling her eyes.  She leaves a silent blank space where a chunk of "hey, nice job!" should go because she doesn't do compliments.  She is unfailingly sarcastic.

My Asshole Voice is female.  She sounds like the voice of a friend, and goes under the guise of "I'm only telling you this for your own good."  But there is nothing good about what she has to contribute.  All she does is take away.

I've managed to write through some projects (this nearly 10-year-old blog, for instance) always with The Asshole Voice in my head.  I will write a piece and just before I hit the publish button, the Asshole Voice squeals, "YOU CALL YOURSELF A WRITER, THAT IS HILARIOUS!!!"

But something happened that has changed my relationship with The Asshole Voice.  I was invited to join a writers' group several months ago.  I had to show up with pages.  And these two seemingly completely unrelated characters that had been pinging around in my head for years started shouting to be heard.  Some kooky part of my brain saw a connection between them.  So I wrote about them.  And I read the first five pages of my novel to this group of strangers with shaking hands, sure that if the group echoed The Asshole Voice, I wouldn't need to go further; the choice would be clear.

But that's not what happened.  No, there were no euphoric proclamations of my brilliance.  There was interested and thoughtful attention to what I had done.  There was emphatic pointing out of things that were strong and resonated.  There were questions about details that weren't clear.  There were genuinely helpful suggestions to squeeze me past places I had felt a little stuck.  But above all else, there was encouragement.  "Keep going!" they said, excitement and love in their voices and hearts.  The Asshole Voice sat in the corner and silently fumed.

During my self-imposed mental health break from the novel, the group was individually and collectively supportive, offering sympathetic ears and endless amounts of warm hugs that I needed so badly.  Some of them had already gone through this and knew exactly what to do and say.

So I'm gearing up to do the screenplay, something I love to do which I haven't done since before the kids were born.  And somehow in the two weeks between writers' group meetings, The Asshole Voice found a way back in.  "This subject matter is too big for you.  You only went to community college.  You cannot possibly do justice to this woman's story.  Why don't you let the professionals handle this."  Now The Asshole Voice has taken a new tack and is approaching me from a pragmatic angle.  But I have to acknowledge that I'm buying her bullshit less and less.  You know what, bitch?  If not me, then who?

Which brings me to this:  The Asshole Voice cannot survive without the energy I give her.  She doesn't show up when something good is happening in my life since she can't be bothered.  I'm going forward with this project, and then I will be going forward with my novel after that.  I'm sure she will have lots of new mockeries to throw my way, but my people have made her hogwash less easy to believe.

I will be posting a piece later today about my latest muse before I start blocking out the scenes for her script and then folding the darks and towels and doling out after school snacks.  But in the meantime, I have to say -- Friends, dump that Asshole Voice!  She (or he) is not serving in your best interest, or in the best interest of what you have to offer the world.  Only YOU can tell this story.

Desiderata

I saw this posted in its entirety on Anne Rice's Facebook page, and keep returning to it and re-reading it.  It is a prose poem written by Max Ehrmann in 1927.  Every single line of this is just so... right.  I wikipedia'd it, and saw in the notes that Morgan Freeman credits the poem with deeply shaping his life.  That explains a lot about him and his appeal.  I think they are words to live and breathe by, so here it is.

Desiderata (Latin: "desired things")

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. 

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. 

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. 
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. 

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Kids' Desk

Wow, it's been awhile since I've done one of these and this was really fun.

The boys are outgrowing their dinky little kid table with mini-chairs, so I have set about trolling craigslist for the old school all-in-one desk and chair hybrid so that each kid might have his own homework/coloring/demise-plotting space.  I actually found a few for sale, but liked this beaut the best, which was a steal at $30:

 It is solid steel, very well-constructed, and surprisingly heavy.  In other words, boy-proof.

I had wanted to do something covered in comic-book-art for them for quite some time, and this thing already came with the perfect, Marvel Comic Red paint.  Some scissors, a tub of Mod Podge, and a Sunday hour to kill, and here is what emerged:

I love how it turned out!  And love the awesome inner dialogue from Superman in this frame:

Now I just need another one like it to do a Batman edition.  Or perhaps Spiderman?  Hmmmm.....

DIY Art Project, Bathroom Edition

So we are happily ensconced in our new town and settled into our little rental house, as it turns out, for another two years.  Since we had to short sell our house upon leaving L.A., we can't get another mortgage for three years after the sell of the house.  Bummer.  But really fine.  It gives us more time to save and find the right house for us.

So in the meantime, our rental house is darling and in a neighborhood that we love, and our landlords are actual wonderful, nice people (as opposed to some cold rental management company).  And while the house is old and has suffered some wear over the years from past renters, there were a few cosmetic things that were starting to bother me about living here.  But as a renter, there's only so much you can do that is not a big expenditure and that will be removable upon vacating the premises.

The door in my bathroom was one such irk.  The bathroom is a thoroughfare room so it has two doors.  The bothersome door leads to another room, which leads to the backyard.  The door has window panes to keep the light flowing through the windowless bathroom, and had a sad kind of blue gingham check curtain covering the panes to protect the privacy of the person using the bathroom.  It collects dust and makes the room seem more closed in than it actually is.

I had bought these interesting ephemera papers involving birds and butterflies from a frame store in town months ago, not having any idea what I was going to do with them, just that they looked old and beautiful.  And then it dawned on me that I could decoupage the glass.  It's only paper -- it will be removable when we leave if the new tenants or owners desire, or can be covered up with the crappy curtain again.

And so I got the Mod Podge and got to work.  

At first I tried to cut the papers to fit the panes exactly, but this proved to be too difficult.  I wanted absolutely no gaps around the edges and I could see that getting the measurements and cutting exactly perfect every time was just not going to happen.  And I would have to cut across some of the images in the paper that I loved the most.  So I ended up cutting different pictures from the papers and just pasting them where I thought they should go, filling in any gaps with more pieces.

 The process was actually very relaxing and therapeutic.  I would lose track of time, and found it to be the perfect rainy day activity.

 When the sun shines through, it almost has a stained glass effect, which I love.

And the butterfly pictures are slightly creepy, which helped to balance out the girly sweetness of the bird pictures.

I love how it turned out.  I was concerned it would be too busy, and there is a lot to look at when you are sitting there doing your business, but it doesn't bother me since I have kept the rest of the walls pretty bare.

Next decoupage project:  Superhero comic book dresser for the boys' room!

I Heart You, SLO

Well, it's been over a year now, and I feel pretty confident in saying that I absolutely adore our new little town.  It's funny how fast the move happened and how resolute I was in our decision to move to San Luis Obispo.  In hindsight, it took a lot of balls -- uprooting the family and moving to a place where I did not know a soul.  But never has my intuition guided me so fiercely.  I simply knew on the deepest level that this was the best place for us.  And though I will always be grateful I got to grow up in the Valley and live out my crazy wild years in L.A., it's odd -- one day I woke up and realized that L.A. is not The Center Of The Universe.  I don't feel like I am missing out on anything (other than my friends and family).  And then everything started happening, guiding us to this place.  I will always love L.A. for making me the person I am today, and there was a time in my life I could never have imagined living anywhere else on the planet.  But now I love it in the way you love a crazy drama relative -- I love it and always will because it's in my blood, but am grateful for the distance.

Getting settled was not easy.  There were many times I called my girlfriends crying because I felt so lost.  There was a profound sadness on some days that I imagine can only be understood by someone living, for the first time, far away from your family and closest friends.  But then I would step outside my front door and breathe in the fresh air and see the hills in the distance and that sadness would get kicked to the curb.  I tried not to dwell and I embraced instead.  And my new town embraced me back.  Here is what I have consistently found to be true about living here so far:

1.  Everybody, everywhere you go, looks you in the eye and smiles and says hello.  Walking down the street, schlepping up the hiking trail, in the aisle at the grocery store, at school drop-off, seriously, EVERYWHERE YOU GO, young kids or old guys or any age in between, male or female, even on bike or behind the cash register, everybody looks at you and smiles and says hi or gives the "what's up" nod.  You can't imagine how much this means to me, being a life-long smiley person who is used to being met with either a mad-dog stare or a "she must be crazy or stupid" look, and rarely a smile and hello in return.  Now it's the other way around.  If I encounter someone who doesn't smile and say hello, they are in the glaring minority and something must be wrong with them.  It is awesome.  It's such a small thing that takes virtually no time or energy to do, yet it immediately connects you with your surroundings and community in a positive way and just makes you feel safe.  It's neighborly.  It makes it super easy to make friends.  I'm not really one for small talk, but I have always loved pleasantries and don't understand why it's not like this everywhere.  I don't know if it's because SLO is a small town or because it's voted the Happiest Place in America and we all know happy people just smile more, or if everybody is just stoned, or what.  But if you step out your door and walk down the street, someone is going to say hi to you and be happy to see you.

2.  I hardly have to drive anywhere (which rules), but when I do, traffic is not part of my life.  It is a revelation.  It has heaped untold years back onto my life.  My stress level has plummeted.  In the past year, I have encountered exactly TWO traffic jams.  Two, as in 1 . . . 2.  And both times I was able to get off the freeway and take an alternate route and it was no big whoop.  Quality of life doesn't even begin to describe the extra time and calm that Derek and I now enjoy.   His commute is now five minutes and I don't think I have to tell you what that kind of extra quality time means to our kids.

If I am late getting somewhere now, it's because I ran into someone I know and ended up chatting with them (small town -- statistically inevitable) -- NOT because I was stuck in traffic.

3.  The ubiquitous front lawn is not a thing here.  Not like I have anything against big stretches of grass (aside from their water-hogging nature) -- it's the noise and air pollution from all the gardeners necessary to maintain all those lawns.  I love to walk, but I couldn't walk a single block in L.A. without having to listen to the loud obnoxious whine of gardening machinery and smell the noxious fumes from same.  I hadn't realized how annoying it was until it was markedly absent from my life.  Walking around the neighborhood is a pleasure, and it's fun to see what people do with their front yards instead of have a stretch of lawn.  Some have fountains, drought-tolerant plants, sculptures.  A lot of them grow food instead, which I think is really cool.  And the walk is a quiet, reflective experience, which brings me to my next thing to love . . .

4.  No noise pollution.  There are no helicopters hovering EVER and no airplane noise.  You hear sirens on occasion, but never in the middle of the night.  What you hear at any given moment is birds singing and at night, crickets chirping.  I love the quiet.  Really the noisiest thing I have heard since living here is a drunk college boy stumbling out of his house and shouting "Hey girl!  WANT TO COME SMOKE A BOWL WITH US???"  Noisy, but again with the friendliness.

5.  San Luis Obispo is a very OLD town.
 
The town was founded in 1772, and many of the oldest homes and buildings are still standing and lovingly cared for.  Walking around the neighborhood never gets old (no pun intended) -- I constantly gawk at all the cute old victorians and craftsmans and adobes with all their character and wonder about their history.  I guess it's the same reason I love going to Europe so much -- everything is so dang old and cool to look at.  It's like living in a mini-Europe in a lot of ways.  The house we are renting was built in 1908, and I never tire of showing guests around who marvel at all the nooks and charm and moldings.

6.  The wine, OMG.  The wine.

You know how they say you can throw a stick up in the air in New York and it will land on a taxi or an ambulance?  Well in SLO you can throw a stick up in the air and it will land on a winery or a vineyard.  There is a scene in Cougar Town (love that show) where the characters are standing around drinking wine and contemplating a trip to wine country, and Jules looks at her glass and says, "We're gonna see where you were born!"  Well, I live where that wine is born and it rules.  Most of the great wines I have loved over the years came from here.  There is a microclimate here that is perfect for grape-growing, and so wine is just part of the culture.  There are great wines stocked in even the crappiest, cheapest grocery store.  Not like I needed a lot of selling points to move here, but I gotta be honest, the wine was one of them.

7.  The unbelievable natural beauty.

It is so easy to become spoiled by it.  I mean this is my treadmill:

A few blocks from the house and I have the best workout imaginable.  Which enables me to drink more of that delicious wine.

8.  Speaking of natural beauty, going to the beach is no big deal.  Ten minutes in the car on a beautiful scenic road and you're here:

Last weekend I actually rollerbladed there.  But when I do drive, no traffic, no parking hassles, just beautiful, clean beach full of seals and sea otters and other interesting wildlife and --you guessed it -- more wine tasting.

Kids tired and not feeling it today?  No biggie -- pack the towels back up and go back home.  We can always come back tomorrow.

9.  People love dogs in SLO.  Dogs are everywhere.

People walk their dogs and hike with them a lot, and people love my dogs too.  I have held Speck in my arms while shopping in a couple of stores downtown and been promptly informed "It's okay to put him down, we are a dog-friendly store" and then they offered him treats.  A lot of restaurants allow dogs on the patio, and I personally know all of the dogs (and their owners) on my street.

You would think barking would be more of a problem, but strangely it's not.  There was one A-hole who lived up the street whose dog was in the front yard barking all day, but she moved away.

10.  There are roughly a million fun, kid-friendly (and adult-friendly) things to do that are free and easy to get to.  Suddenly being a stay-at-home mom is less of a grind and more of a daily pleasure.

There are so many more things I love (no smog, great schools, no smoking in public places, no fast food drive-thrus). . . I mean the list could go on and on and I discover new things every day that make me love it more.  But then this post would never end.

I have found my happy place.  And I hope if you haven't already, that YOU dear reader find YOUR happy place soon!

Christmas Craftage

So, our first Christmas in San Luis Obispo.  I was SO looking forward to it -- all of it.  I was going to experience the crap out of this Christmas in our new beloved small town.  I was going to slow down, decorate the house, have friends over to decorate the tree, have family over, throw my customary ornament-making party, the list went on and on.  And then, BAM!  McLean and I both came down with the NIGHTMARE FLU FROM HELL six days before Christmas Day.  The works -- aching, chills, fever (and accompanying freaky dreams), coughing hard enough to barf up a lung, and just generally feeling like you want to die.  I didn't manage to do a lot of the things I wanted to do, and I wasn't as perky for the actual festivities as I would have liked, but I was hell-bent on getting this one craft completed.  So around Day 3 of being sick, I pumped my ass full of Zip Fizz (have you tried this miracle potion???) and went downtown to finish up shopping and hit Beverly's Craft Store.

Let me back up and explain something important first.  When Derek's Grammy passed at the ripe old age of 107, she left behind a lot of costume jewelry.  I was able to acquire a huge shopping bag full of brooches, clip-on earrings, cameos, endless miscellany, and tons of pearls.  More stuff than I could ever wear, and besides, I don't wear clip-ons, hello.  I wanted to do something special with the stuff, but had no clue.  So it sat in storage for a year.  And then as Christmas drew closer, it dawned on me:  Make a wreath.  I have made a couple of wreaths before and they are really fun.  And this would be really different.  So I searched for something like it on Pinterest and, lo and behold, it is already a thing!

So when my beloved mother-in-law arrived, I explained to her what I had in mind and showed her pictures and hoped she wouldn't think I was cray-cray.  And she was into it!  So we sat at the dining room table, Christmas music playing, me with a nice hot toddy (or two).  And we prepped, painted, glued and stuck about 100 pieces each onto two separate wreaths.  I divided them thusly:  Bright colors and flashy rhinestone pieces on my miso green background; gold and pearls and cameos on Sue's baby pink background.  I love how they turned out, and it was kind of my Christmas nirvana.

Here is the one I made:

And here is the one Sue made:

I love them both so much, I decided to keep them up.  Sue's is in the dressing room above my vanity.  And mine is in the study, above the pictures of Sue and Grammy, which I thought rather fitting:

So in spite of a badly-timed bout with the flu, Christmas turned out great, and I have a wonderful memory and memoriam of two of my favorite women.  And a constant reminder that there is always room for a little glamour, even when you feel like caca!

Love and blessings to you in this Happy New Year!

Miss / Won't Miss

Here are some things I will not miss about living here:

1) Helicopters buzzing my house at 3 a.m.;

2) Wailing sirens at all hours of the day;

3) The incessant, high-pitched barking of the asshole dog across the street;

4) Shopping carts parked in the middle of the sidewalk.  In a residential neighborhood.  Far from any grocery store.

Here is something I will miss terribly about living here:

Our gardener, Venancio.  We had to hire one a couple years ago since the time it was taking Derek to handle it was just becoming overbearing, and given how much time he has to spend away from home, his time at home was just too precious.  And so I was lucky enough to find Venancio.

His skills in the yard are nothing to sneeze at, but it's just his presence that I love the most.  He has the kindest, gentlest, calmest aura about him.  He always has a smile, and though there is a language barrier (my Spanish sucks, and his English is good but not great), he likes to talk a little bit and find something to relate to or sympathize with, some common ground between us.  He is a good listener.  He looks you in the eye when he talks to you.

My kids worship him and watch his every move while he works, and this amuses him.  I will miss how McLean runs up to him and hugs him like a long lost friend and yells "Hi VENAN-CITO!" every time he sees him every two weeks.  And I will miss the kind look in Venancio's eyes as he hugs him back.  He is just so special.  And I will miss him.

Valley Girl No More

After years of sad, child-bearing-and-raising-inflicted neglect of my Valley Girl blog, and in light of recent events, it has been decided by moi to do a little facelift and to change the course of My Precious Ramblings to reflect the current situation:  We are moving out of the Valley!  So I can't really call myself Valley Girl anymore now, can I?

Shortly after Christmas (yes, THIS Christmas), we will have packed up EIGHT SOLID YEARS of couple and kid crap accumulated since we bought our house, and of course our hounds and their slobbery Chuck-It balls, and moved it to our new digs in beautiful, friendly, little (by comparison) San Luis Obispo.  To say I am excited would be a huge understatement.

To say I am profoundly upset to be leaving my family and best friends in the world and moving to a town where I know not a soul would be an even bigger understatement.  It's been tough to grapple with that reality and many, many hysterical tears have been shed, mostly by me.

But I've got balls.  And a fancy phone that has face time.  And I'll only be three hours away.  So basically, I can do this.  And hopefully my loved ones will come visit me enough to see how awesome it is there, and I can continually and persistently wear them down until they decide to move to SLO, too.

So in the coming weeks, I will keep you posted on the transition process, the issues, things I will miss, things I will so NOT miss, and the like, and discover my new town and all it has to offer.  And hope you can virtually come along for the ride.  Because life is good and it should be exciting, even when it's scary, no?

I'm scared, but excited.

Bad Girl Mom

I attended a toddler-friendly event recently that was centered around crafts and attended by other stay-at-home moms. This particular friend that hosted the event is a lovely woman with a husband, small child, huge dog AND an immaculate house, which kind of already makes me feel like a fish out of water. The couch – so fresh and spotless! The bathroom – so shiny and free of errant pee! The mirrors – so gleaming and fingerprintless! I found myself distracted by the sheer wonderment of it. How is this possible? Two penis people and a dog in the house, and you could eat off the kitchen floor? No. It just doesn’t compute.

But I felt even more alien in this company when the conversation turned to grown-up things. It was brought to my attention that the hostess of the event sells Mary Kay now, a fact which I was completely unaware since, as she put it, “You don’t do parties like that.” It’s true, I don’t. Tupperware, Pampered Chef, crystal stuff, jewelry, whatever – I hate that shit like I hate chain e-mails and will not participate. “Really?” exclaimed one of the moms incredulously. “I love those parties! How can you not like those?” I felt others stop and look at me. “Uh…. I just don’t. I love parties, but I have zero interest in talking about kitchenware and all that stuff and would rather spend that time at a girls night out or book club meeting or going dancing or something instead.” Oh, she reads books too, and rattled off some titles I hadn’t heard of. Until she mentioned The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo – my very favorite book of like, the last ten years. “Hated it!” she proclaimed. “Thought it was supposed to be so great and instead it was just so graphic and weird and dark.”

But I like graphic and weird and… wait a minute. And then it dawned on me: I had stumbled into a Nice Moms Party. I didn’t have anything in common with these moms other than motherhood. I am a Bad Girl Mom.

What is a Bad Girl Mom? I know there are a lot of us out there, but somehow we don’t really congregate in places like the playground, Mommy & Me, or Baby Gap. We are not sanitized, and not celebrated in mainstream media. We love our children more than life itself, feed them good food, take care of them with zealous and tireless attention, but haven’t quite gotten the hang of the squeaky-clean thing. And don’t really want to.

It’s easier to explain what a Bad Girl Mom is by illustration and you can draw your own conclusion if you are a Bad Girl Mom or not. And if you are, Dear Little One, please know that you are not alone.

Bad Girl Moms don’t watch their language or the language in music like a hawk. My child learned to say the word “douche” before “please” or “thank you” and knows all the words to plenty of non-Radio-Edit songs by the likes of Black-Eyed Peas and Sir Mix-A-Lot. I just think there are a lot more important things to be upset or concerned about. McLean spouting out “I got that visual spit, next level visual shit” is just not high on the list.

My child also learned to say “I ripped one!” and laugh hysterically rather than “Excuse me, I tooted.”

Bad Girl Moms don’t apologize for being randy. At least one of my children was conceived on the back patio. I refuse, REFUSE to not see myself as sexy anymore just because I have scrambled egg shrapnel in my hair and don’t really get to wear my cute shoes anymore. They are still in my closet and their very presence affirms that I was once a desired creature and will be again someday.

A Bad Girl Mom will not buy a nursing bra unless it is pretty and makes the rack look good.

And I cannot, cannot, CANNOT get behind Crocs. I don’t care how practical they are – they are butt-ugly on grown-ups and children.

Bad Girl Moms have particular tastes in entertainment that do not extend to the likes of the Twilight saga or Real Housewives of Whatever Some Such Bullshit “reality” type shows. If I have the time to sit in front of the TV and lack sufficient energy to go out and have girl time, I’m going to watch True Blood, not Glee.

My person and hair have been polluted all at once with drool, spit-up, poop, baby food and breast milk so much that I felt like the star of some freaky Japanese fetish video, and still I opted to lie down for a nap rather than have a shower. That is a Bad Girl Mom move right there.

Speaking of housekeeping and nudity, Bad Girl Moms are not particularly concerned and have better things to do. During the week of potty training, my son teabagged every conceivable surface of the living room, dining room, and some parts of the office. He even did headstands on the couch for guests, allowing them to see directly into his colon. I encouraged this behavior, and even mutually applauded it with his father. Potty training is hard enough without getting all uppity about it.

So, in conclusion, I would just like to say, motherhood is a very intense journey, and sometimes mind-blowingly difficult. Getting uptight over the little things just doesn’t feel right to me, so I let them go and laugh about it. And hope you do, too. Bad Girl Moms, unite!

Aren't They Adorable?

Post-partum Woes

I’m thinking of writing a children’s book. I would call it “The Saggy Baggy Ass.”

What, you don’t think that will sell?

Some of the 60 pounds are coming off, which is super. But what of the stretched out skin left behind? I would tell the tale of the skin on my neck and belly, and its wiggles and waggles, how much the baby loves to grab the skin and yank with all his five-month-old might (which feels especially invigorating if his nails haven’t been cut in awhile). But loose skin on my butt? Really? Can’t I just keep the nice round badonkadonk I was cultivating while pregnant and lose the still-pregnant-looking belly instead? It’s not fair.

But that’s not what drove me to sit and rant today. What is on my mind, Dear Reader? Post-partum hair shedding. People, I have lost so damn much hair in the last two months, it’s a wonder I am not as bald as Mr. Clean. Which got me to thinking of a whole list of things you could do with the hair I have lost. Why waste it? I will commence with said list now:

1. You could clean up the oil spill in the Gulf. And still have hair leftover to clog about a dozen shower drains.

2. You could make a whole other Valley Girl with a bangin’ hairdo. Just add some Forever21 sweatpants, Reeboks, and a nursing bra -- Done!

3. You could glue a big stick on the hair and have an eco-friendly mop. Your floors never looked so shiny!

4. You could glue the hair all over your body – voila! Blond gorilla suit for next Halloween!

5. You could prop up the hair on a chair, put sunglasses on it, and set it by the front door like Cousin It to frighten off door-to-door salespeople or those that might want to share their religious material with you.

6. If you’re looking for a good excuse for being late to work, or just really want some attention, slam the hair into the trunk door of your car and get pulled over. And you’ll have a great story to tell your friends!

7. Bake the hair into a pie and give it to someone you really hate. Like Meg did on Family Guy.

You see, the possibilities are endless! I could come up with a dozen more, but I have to go haul the latest load of hair to the trash before the kids wake up.

(Thank you, Kimo, for the nudge. This one’s for you!)

The Mama Rules

So here I am, the mother of two boys. How do you do it? That was the question I asked a lot of mothers who have more than one kid while I was pregnant with Noah. I never really got any concise answers. I read a book on having a second baby and it was all pretty much common sense. No tricks, no real tips. I want tricks, dammit! So I have been winging it. But I keep getting told by people while I’m winging it that I “seem so calm.” Even my chiropractor tells me I am so very calm and have an aura of serenity whilst she is adjusting the hips that are still jacked up from having to accommodate my 9+ pounder and the 50+ pounds it put on my person. I personally believe it’s because I was just so darn happy when the little bugger was finally born and I didn’t have to be pregnant anymore.

But upon reflection, it dawned on me that I do have certain rules in my job of being mom to my two boys. And that perhaps I should share these rules with others in my position, or about to be, who are not finding the helpful tips they seek. They are meant to be helpful and nothing more. And they likely will not apply to people with special needs kids, colicky babies, single moms, etc. There is a special place in heaven for you, and however you get by day-to-day is a damn miracle. But you can read these and have a chuckle nonetheless, and see if any apply to your situation.

1. Sleep when the baby sleeps. I know, I know. There is so much I have to do and that’s the only time I can do it, blah blah blah. You know what? Bullshit. You can let the dishes sit. You don’t HAVE to check your e-mail and guess what? The laundry will wait. Turn off your phone, lay the hell down and get some sleep, or at least close your eyes and be still. I have a small window of time during the day that both boys are asleep, and that’s the time I forced myself to lie down. Your emotions and mental functioning will be light years better if you do yourself this one huge favor.

2. See your girlfriends. No, not text your girlfriends, not e-mail or even phone your girlfriends (though this is helpful in a pinch) -- get your ass out of the house and SEE your girlfriends. You can have the kid(s) with you or not (though the break from them is nice and this gives them a chance to bond with Daddy), but you need to see and hug and be in the physical presence of those core women in your life who are supportive and love you. Yes, after you have kids, this takes a Herculean effort to coordinate. Everyone is busy and you are really busy, and especially if she has kids too, she is busy! But figure it out. It’s important.

3. Do not stress over how your body looks right now. Are you Heidi Klum? Do you have a Victoria’s Secret runway show coming up or a cover shoot for Cosmo? No? I didn’t think so. Then give your body a break. Your body did some amazing-ass things to bring your beloved children into the world, so why don’t you cut it a slackburger with cheese? Or even a turkey burger with cheese? It will get back to normal in its own time, especially if you are breastfeeding. But the really important thing I have learned after all these years of self-body-loathing is to marvel at the awesome power my body has demonstrated through having kids. We moms are absolutely mind-blowing in our strength when you really think about it. So think about that, and not about how much longer it’s taking you to lose the weight than some ass-clown on the cover of Us magazine who has a personal army of hired help and probably doesn’t even change diapers and “got her body back” in like six weeks. She is perpetuating an image that is just not realistic for 99.9% of the mothers out there, and you need to realize that.

4. Do some cardio. No, not because you need to be concerned about how your body looks right now (see #3 above). But because you are emotionally still in a very fragile state, and you need to get high on all the endorphins you possibly can. Put one kid in the stroller and the other in the Baby Bjorn, and go for a walk, get some fresh air, every day if you can. If you’re breastfeeding the World’s Hungriest Baby like I am, and are a little nervous about straying too far from the house, do your cardio at home. “But I don’t have an elliptical,” you may whine (like I did). “And I can’t afford a gym membership,” you may also whine (also like I did). And just then, my eyeballs settled on the brick step down that leads to my back patio. I’ve taken enough step classes in my day to remember the basics, so with the baby strapped to my torso and McLean running around the backyard doing his “workout,” I am able to work up some decent cardio. It is just as great of a workout now as it was in the early 90’s! The baby sleeps the whole time (even with the Black Eyed Peas blasting away) and I don’t have to be in public with my dirty hair in a bun and mangy sweats. To cool down, I pick up dog poo in the yard. Hey bitches, it’s squats with weights when you have a 14-pound baby attached to you! I’m just sayin’! Work with whatever you have.

5. Honor Thy Date Night (or Day), And Keep It Holy. This is where Grandma and Grandpa come in especially handy for me. When they offer to babysit, I jump on it and calendar them on the spot. They get to have quality time with the grandkids, and Derek and I get to be a normal couple for a couple of hours and talk about something besides nursing, diapers, bathtimes, food choices, etc. – all the business of running a family that takes up all our normal conversation time. I can wash the spit-up out of my hair and put on make-up and wear cute shoes and feel something resembling sexy again. And I can appreciate my husband in a whole new way. Yes, he is a great dad, and that is sexy, but he’s also a great date, and we have fun together. Date Night can also be Date Day if that’s when your babysitter is available. As long as you leave the house together and do something you both enjoy, who cares when it happens?

6. Sit Down To Eat. Three times a day. Yes, you read that right. We get so caught up, running around taking care of the needs of others, we too often forget about ourselves. Even if it’s only a few minutes to sit and shove a few bites in my mouth, this is a little care-taking gesture I give myself, and also a good example to set for my kids. I want them to see that you should respect your body and the food you are putting into your body by paying attention to it. I also want them to know that I am a person who needs to be cared for, too. There is a fine line between taking care of kids and becoming their servant. I find it is easier to keep that boundary clear when you demonstrate for them how you treat yourself. The intake of food is only one small part of this concept.

7. Sometimes You Just Have To Cry. There will be times, in spite of the best-laid plans and adherence to the rules that all hell just breaks loose. This is just how it is with young children – you can never predict the next milestone or meltdown, and sometimes they happen simultaneously. All. Day. Long. Sometimes you have to step into another room for a few minutes and just cry. Sometimes you have to call someone and cry to them. Sometimes you have to call someone to come over and watch your kids so you can leave the house and cry. You’ll know which option is the right one, but choose one and save your sanity. Don’t hold it in. Being a mom is a very hard job -- the hardest job I’ve ever had (and I’ve had several), and also the lowest paying and least appreciated. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world, so it’s up to me to take care of myself when the going gets tough.

So I guess that is the main rule here when you boil it all down – TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, MAMA! You have to be good to yourself before you can be your best for others. You are kicking ass every single day and don’t you forget it.