Chained Heat

There is a boredom that sets in toward the end of pregnancy that has a certain powerless restlessness to it that is really disconcerting.

I’m too exhausted and huge to do anything physically productive, be on my feet for any length of time or run errands, not to mention the heat in the valley right now is preventing my doing any of that anyway. It has become abundantly clear in recent months that I am just not cut out for a sedentary lifestyle. I am starting to go nuts and it is strictly due to lack of physical activity.

My brain doesn’t work so great due to being hyperfocused on the impending arrival in the weeks to come, so getting any kind of meaningful work done is out of the question.

I am sick of reading about baby stuff. There is just too much information out there, much of it conflicting, and it starts to get annoying after awhile. My usual pleasure of reading and researching something I care about is squashed because it has just gotten to be too much, dammit! I have decided I will be largely relying on motherly instinct and that will have to suffice since you just cannot possibly know everything there is to know about parenting.

I can’t even take that much pleasure in pigging out anymore since there is not much room in my stomach for anything, so any would-be oinkfest is over before it even begins.

Add to this the fact that I am SICK TO DEATH of everything on TV. Even movies. Even indie movies. I have seen them all (some repeatedly) or tried to see them and determined they were unwatchable.

Enter Chained Heat.



Have you ever seen this movie? With Linda Blair? How this gem of a confection missed my Awesome Bad Movie Radar is anyone’s guess. It was on one of the movie channels on a recent quiet evening at home (WTF am I talking about – every evening is a quiet evening at home) and was enough to jolt me out of my jaded I Hate TV But Am Too Tired To Do Anything Else stupor.

Imagine chicks in prison, in the early 80s, none of whom has any acting skill whatsoever. Imagine this prison being corrupt, where the warden has a hot tub in his office and videotapes himself having sex with prisoners. Imagine that in this prison, a can of Aqua Net, rattail comb and buckets of purple eyeshadow are standard issue upon entry. Imagine the shower scenes in this prison involving full-frontal shots of not only boobies that are subject to the laws of gravity, but massive amazon jungle bush action. Imagine Linda Blair being all pouty and pissy and complaining to the warden about the way she is treated in the prison. Now imagine all this with horribly choreographed fight scenes amongst the chicks thrown in. You guys, it is friggin’ AWESOME. YOU CANNOT LOOK AWAY.

Remember that episode of Charlie’s Angels, where the girls go into prison to investigate the murder of one of the inmates? Where Kelly (aka Jaclyn Smith) utters the best line EVAR after the prisoners get hosed down with the nasty anti-lice spray or whatever it is, and she turns to the prison guard all snotty and goes “When was the last time YOU were sprayed?” and the guard gives her this sneery bitchy look in return and I think billy-clubs her ass but I don’t remember. But I digress. Remember how the girls get dressed up and taken outside of the prison to be hookers to wealthy businessmen? Oh yeah, that happens in Chained Heat, too. It’s just one big giant ball of awesome. Please, if you are severely pregnant or just incredibly sick of everything on TV lately, look for it in your movie channels and tivo that bitch. You will be so glad you did.

Movie Minute

Yes, there is preggo news, but I am so bored talking about it and it doesn’t amount to much more than the following:

 1) I am friggin’ ginormous.  So much so that I had to get new maternity clothes so as not to be forced to run around nekkid in the remaining 2.5 months and possibly frighten passersby who happen past the house.  It’s true that boys sit lower in your midsection, so now am I not only pregnant in my belly, but also in my hips and am now sporting Jabba The Hut-like jowls.  Yay!  I saw a recent photo of myself and just about barfed.

2) Getting up from a sitting position just blows.  The grunting, the groaning.  It’s like being 90 years old all the sudden.  Even Grammy doesn’t complain this much when she stands up from her easy chair, and she’s a hundred and freakin’ two!

3)  Still as tired as ever – with a new and exciting crabby twist!  My worst enemies:  “Customer Service” phone personnel and medicated/stoned drivers on the road.  I think they all just need to die.  Before I kill them myself.

But this post is not about pregnancy gripes.  In my limited mobility, waking hours, and lack of tolerance for the public at large, it has been a great opportunity to get caught up on movies.  Here are my latest critiques in case you are wondering what a psychotic pregnant person would have you put in your Netflix qeue:

1) The Last King of Scotland.  Oh my god.  This one blew me away.  Not like I’ve ever been that up on the history of Ugandan leadership, but Forest Whitaker scared the SHIT out of me in his portrayal of Idi Amin, the brutal dictator who ruled Uganda in the 70s.  This movie is not for the squeamish, though.  There were two visuals in particular that will haunt my nightmares forever (if you’ve seen it, you know which ones they are), but I am so glad I saw this thrilling rendering of the story and learned a bit about this important time in African history.

2) Lucky Number Slevin.  My new favorite gangster movie, hands friggin’ down.  Or at least it’s now up there in the top three along with Goodfellas and The Departed.  Not only a taut and slick mystery, but hello, you get Morgan Freeman and Ben Kingsley as two colossal baddies each intent on screwing each other over so bad, you could cut the tension with a butter knife.  Not to mention a beautiful love story that allows you to fall in love with Lucy Liu all over again.

3) Sleeping Dogs Lie.  This poor girl admits to her fiancé the most disgusting thing she ever did.  If you can get past the first five minutes of the movie where that thing is revealed (don’t worry – they don’t show it), you will find a tender and heartbreaking little story about honesty in relationships, and laugh your ass off at the meth-head brother.

4) Notes On A Scandal.  I have always marveled at Cate Blanchett’s range, and this movie is no exception.  And of course, Judi Dench just rocks the friggin’ house no matter what she does.  There were a couple of scenes in this movie where a look from her shot violent chills down my whole body.  She is THAT good.

5) Spanking The Monkey.  Yes, yet another movie involving a main character doing something really pervy, in this case, sliding down a slippery slope into Oedipal tendencies.  But a sweet and relatable coming-of-age story for anyone who has ever felt put upon and unable to break out of a toxic cycle.  I love how good indie films will take a microcosm situation and really examine it and explore it, and this movie does just that.

6) Just Friends.  Okay, this is not a movie I have just recently seen for the first time, but rather, seen many times for its neverending ability to make me laugh my ass off (Kristi, you know what I’m talking about – one night when we all shared a motel room after a wedding and this came on, she and I cracked up over it even though we had both seen it many times).  Not only does it have the funniest sibling rivalry scenes I have ever seen, but has permanently cemented Anna Faris in my mind as the best comedienne of our time.  Oh, and adorable love story, for those of you who are into that crap.

That’s it for now, until I remember more and feel the need to share my thumb position with you.  Meanwhile, I leave you with this quote from Jeff Spicoli of Fast Times At Ridgemont High:  “People on ludes should not drive!”